big metro newspaper, the Los Angeles Posthumous, has a featurette every
Thursday titled ‘My Favorite Weekend.’ It is a puff piece
in which a celebrity can present themselves as a Regular Joe. Who knew that
Chris Rock picks up his own dry cleaning next door to his favorite bagel
shop in the Valley? It humanizes the glitterati in a thousand words or less,
much the same as a single photograph of Gwyneth Paltrow wiping her dog’s
ass on the streets of Beverly Hills. The column is a publicist’s dream.
It’s easy for a hack to write and the coverage legitimizes their
the years, the star power in the column has declined in tandem with the
newspaper. Once a hard-hitting, Pulitzer prize winning paragon of journalism
and democracy in action, the Los Angeles Posthumous has become a cut-and-paste
yellow sheet for the entertainment, fashion and lifestyle industries. Today,
it will gladly overlook blatant corruption at City Hall in favor of ’Ten
New Colors for Summer.’ One will conclude that black-hearted politicians
do not require as much display advertising as a department store chain.
the past, ‘My Favorite Weekend’ featured A-list stars such
as Johnny Depp, Jennifer Aniston and Will Ferrell cavorting around the city
just like you and me. These days, one may read that Maureen McCormick (Brady
Bunch) likes to plug her florist or her canine stylist while Tony Orlando
and Dawn (Seventies pop) spends Sundays sucking oysters at Gladstones in
Malibu. It’s a sad state of affairs, like a wilted corsage or a silk
ascot that has frayed over time.
could have been a slow news week or maybe the naïve enthusiasm of
an intern, but last year I was selected to represent the Fine Arts with ‘My
Favorite Weekend.’ It was an honor. Yes, I may be one of LA’s
most respected and beloved artists, but the Posthumous rarely selects
a weekend outside the world of cable and syndicated television. I graciously
that ‘my publicist was skiing in Argentina’, the newspaper
graciously lent me a reporter to scribe my words.
don’t think it went as well as they had hoped.
A month after the weekend-long interview, I received a letter from
the novelty editor of the Calendar section. It began:
Look. Judy was cute, bright, just out of college and she had an expense account.
As we all
know, an expense account is far more attractive
Kids today don’t have as much stamina as they used to. All I
wanted to do was show her one of ‘my favorite weekends’ and
I did. We both had a swell time.
a month after Judy got out of jail, her rehab counselor sent me the
rough draft of her article. Since I haven’t had time to write this Genuflect
column by deadline, I would like to share Judy’s work with
1.) TRAXX RESTAURANT
weekend begins with a fine repast at Traxx, one of LA’s
premiere restaurants. The service is sharp, the space comfortable
and the artwork
exquisite. Located at historic Union Station, I like to take
an after-dinner stroll through
the many wonders of the last great train station built in these
bar at Traxx offers the best people watching in the world. The crazy
hustle and bustle of harried commuters brings solace
to the beauty
of my unemployment. Colorfully, Traxx is the closest bar to both
Twin Towers (LA County) and LA Men’s Central jail. Party
with a parolee.
2.) BEDLAM CABARET
Don’t tell anybody. That’s why they call it a speakeasy. The linebacker
in a pinstriped suit guarding the front door better be your pal or you might
be hitting the curb. Once inside, five floors of fun offer a bacchanalia of sin,
temptation and libation. If your gal doesn’t appreciate
the spectacular rooftop view, then Goldie will find you another.
Vanda has the potion. Feeling artistic? Grab a sketchpad and
draw the silky harem
girls frozen to one-minute poses in Studio One. Edgy? The pistol
range in the basement
is a great way to let off steam. Seek and ye shall find. Welcome
to the Pleasure Dome.
3.) HOUSE OF SPIRITS LIQUOR STORE
feels like family. Just tell ‘em ‘Gordy says Hi.’
4.) TUCO’S TACO TRUCK (After Ten PM Only)
is only one way to approach Tuco. A rolled $100 bill, placed discretely
behind your ear, is just the signal he
for. This is one taco
truck with a Pandora’s Box to rival any COSTCO pharmacy.
5.) CHICO’S AUTO BODY AND REPAIR
For those difficult times when the notification of your
insurance company would be a grave mistake, Chico is
the man. On call
24 hours, Chico
can repaint your
car in under an hour. No mess is too big for this cleaning
crew. Cash only.
6.) STORIES BOOKSTORE
On weekends, I like to walk my pup to one of the coolest
bookstores in town. Located on the shady side of Sunset
in Echo Park,
like a clubhouse.
7.) LAU TZE MASSAGE
can’t beat the price at $30 an hour. Unfortunately, the first
forty minutes are sheer terror as an illegal Thai
immigrant without a PhD or even
a cursory interest in orthopedics dances a Far Eastern
Flamenco across your back.
Never fear. The end justifies the means. Cash only.
8.) HOLLOWAY DRYCLEANERS, Echo Park
I’m really hoping if I plug ‘em in this article, they’ll be
kind enough to release the tuxedo jacket that I can’t
afford to get outta there.
9.) LA VIDA NUEVO CLINICA
open 24 hours, really. Looks can be intimidating. The lights are off
and the entrance to La Vida Nuevo appears rather
abandoned. Ring the
give the good doctor a few minutes. He will always
be right with you. He sleeps upstairs.
nine fingers of Doctor Palparbueno may be stained nicotine-yellow but
they are as long, slim and skilled as that
of any Mayo Clinic surgeon. With over
sixty-five years of trauma-wound care with a
specialty in gunshots, the good doctor has
served his community well. Smart customers know
to bring the good doctor a fifth to steady the old junkie’s
a fresh new look fast? Your mama and Homeland Security will never recognize
ya. Need a new passport, Green Card,
or a Driver’s
License? Doc Palparbueno is faster than the DMV.
10.) ARMSTRONG BAIL BONDS
24-hour service. Easy to remember toll free number.
Please mention my name, for they kick back
the love. All credit
11.) MORNINGS AT TACOS DELTA
Like every inbred Southern Californian, I always
prefer a Mexican breakfast. Tacos Delta is
the only boite
on Sunset Boulevard
to offer al fresco
dining. Sure, the parquet asphalt floor is
grayed and cracked. The air may be pungent
with petrol leaking from their storage truck,
but I cannot think of breaking my fast anywhere
cuisine is superb and they offer a liberal corkage fee: Management
object to a cold beer as long as it’s
in a brown paper bag.
12.) THE LITTLE JOY
in Echo Park, the Little Joy is a quaint neighborhood bar that’s
close enough to walk home from, but far
enough that I’ve never tried. In
E.P., there are a million back roads where
the cops’ll never find you.
Nestled in the hills and valleys, it’s
easy to pull the ole ‘Gun
It and Duck.’
the Little Joy, friendly proprietor Joe McGraw has filled a jukebox
savvy and wry
demeanor has attracted
only the crème of the local artistic crop. Richard, lead bartender, is
swift with a smile and a laugh. For those of you who like a heavy hand, just
tell Little Richee, “Super-size me!”
Want to extend your First Amendment rights?
Declare yourself on the wall with a Sharpee.
does. The Little
Joy features a museum-worthy
collection of the finest exterior street
art ever assembled inside four
there is an Open Mike on Sundays, but I do not recommend it. The people
you better keep
an eye on your
the readers of the LA Posthumous a great disservice to mention the Open Mike
because we really wouldn’t want any
of their fucking readers to show up and
The crew has
become a hallowed
one very dear
heart, and one that shall live forev…
[At this point in the document, the legibility
of the text has deteriorated, obscured
by liquid stains
GORDY GRUNDY is a Los Angeles based artist.
His visual and literary work can be found